Saturday, 13 February 2016

Recipe for improving low desire for sex

This recipe is a suggestion for women who are in long term relationships , who are struggling to make the mental space and physical time to enjoy sex. These ideas are for those where sex has become a source of anxiety or distress - take from it those parts that might enhance your experience. In the same way as there are multiple ways to make a chocolate cake - this is one set of ingredients and ideas - please feel free to e mail us your own!

Prepare the environment:
  1.  Have a conversation about what you both like to do and receive. Advance knowledge and discussion of favourite touching zones will really help you make the most of the recipe. For example, women often do not like immediate focus on the genitals/clitoris. (Research in this area is useful - reading some erotic fiction or other sexual material can be fun and educational.)
  2.  Whilst a holiday environment is the optimum preparation, at least having a decent night's sleep the night before will be really conducive.
  3. .A shared anticipation (as opposed to expectation) -  some kind of flirtation /connection/context/ communication leading up to the event itself is helpful.

A few hours before:
  1. Remove and discard any stress - leave it on the bus/train/car home if you can.
  2. Create a harmonious atmosphere.  Avoiding arguments or aggravation is a must – and not just between the two of you, but in your home environment generally.
  3.  Factor in some quality time (N.B. squeezing time for sex into the space between turning off the TV/browsing fb/planning tomorrow's presentation/ picking up your teenager/making cakes for the forgotten 'til the last minute cake sale at work or school and collapsing exhausted into bed is not quality time.)
  4.   Measure out some equality around loading the dishwasher/doing the on line shop/ bathing the kids.
  5.   The best sex starts at breakfast with anticipation- try to' simmer' through the day. Possible ways to do this - send a flirty text, think about an arousing memory, scene from a film or read some erotic fiction. Then when you meet you can turn up the heat!

  1.   Relaxation -  choose from as many of the following as you find helpful : breathing exercises/ music/massage/bath or shower/ meditation.
  2.  Sensuality and mindfulness : being in the moment, registering sensations and not running through the list of unfinished jobs in your head.
  3. Patience and time to allow things to build up slowly, without interruption from family members or what's app/fb/ ebay alerts. (An agreement to turn off phones and tablets is a great idea.)
  4. The ability to communicate, laugh, give and take some direction or suggestion and ask for what you would like, avoiding feeling criticised.
  5. Compliments can be blended in throughout if genuine.
  6.  Some massage oil, personal lubricant (warmed), sex toys and erotic material can add some spice.
  7.   Don't forget your contraception of choice.

 Ingredients to avoid – these will spoil the recipe and need to be sifted out thoroughly before you start the recipe
  1.   Critical thoughts or negative body image triggers (touching tummies is often best avoided after childbirth, for instance)
  2.   Over focus on performance, such as number of athletic positions managed, strength of erection or pressure to reach/delay orgasm.


  1. Prepare the physical environment - warmth is essential and people have different ideas about privacy.
  2.    Initiation - some kind of prior knowledge or discussion about how you like to invite each other to be intimate is helpful. Women often dress in a way that makes them feel sexy for themselves and not just for their partner.
  3. Include the whole body, as desired. Blend respect for your partner’s needs with your own enjoyment . It can be really arousing when the other person is taking pleasure and feeling turned on.
  4.   Progression through the stages of interest, desire, pleasure, arousal/excitement and orgasm (if desired) .
  5.  Take time to enjoy the feeling of closeness .  Bask in the feelings afterwards, thinking 'we really should do this more often....' (for reasons why this doesn't happen as often, please see the steps under preparation....)

 If sex has become a loaded issue or an anxiety ridden topic, it may feel quite difficult to start a conversation. If this sounds like something you and your partner need to talk about but can’t really imagine it happening, talking things through with Michaela ,who is a Psycho Sexual Therapist and accredited member of The College of Sexual and Relationship Therapists, could really help. See our website for her contact details.